The enormity of it all
Up until this point, “the wedding” seemed like this ominous event that I’ve been feverishly planning for five months. Seriously, it still hadn’t really hit me—even with a ring on my finger, a bank account with a fascinating disappearing act, and more congratulations than I know what to do with. We got engaged, and then it was all, Mollie, plan this, plan that, decide this, decide that. I felt like Cinderella, the wedding planner. There was no time to ponder the beauty of the big picture. Even through marriage classes—which I loved and Sean, well… lets say loved a little bit less—I never really had a moment to sit down by myself to think about how this one special day is going to affect the entire course of my life—of our lives. My brain just wasn’t prepared to take it all in.
This isn’t to say Sean and I aren’t ready to take our vows to spend the rest of our lives together… we are. I’ve never been more ready for something in my entire life, and I know Sean feels the same way. It’s just been a long, extensive process of relationship discovery and wedding planning that “stopping to think” didn’t quite make it to the top of my to-do list. Sean has been a trooper through it all, he really has. As he kindly pointed out to me, girls dream of this day their whole lives. We are on the edge of our seats during movies with weddings, subconsciously taking notes on the details we hope to someday see to fruition for ourselves. (Note to all the ladies: I’ve discovered the world doesn’t actually stop spinning when Matthew McConaughey doesn’t show up in real life. It’s better without him.) Guys, on the other hand, are a bit more clueless in the decision-making process because they have no reference points stashed in their brain—and I don’t blame Sean.
To my mother’s delight, I sat down last night to write out the program. She has been stressing to no end about this getting done, so I’m sure it feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Breathe easy, Mom! And while it sounds like a petty task (as all wedding tasks do), “writing” is my thing so it was like any other assignment: I could not attempt it until my brain was ready. The writing mood just comes to me. And last night was the night.
Right off the bat, you should know our program is going to look like a mini-magazine. I couldn’t stop myself and before I knew it, the program was 14 pages long! Secondly, I got emotional like, three times. Then I got to listening to Father/Daughter wedding dance songs on iTunes and I lost it. Thank God for waterproof eyeliner and mascara! [Lisa—you better have a stash of tissues in your dress somewhere; I’m going to need them.]
Somehow, the enormity of this situation really hit me last night… our wedding is going to be the biggest event in our lives to date.
I’m getting married.
That sentence looks so small when I type it out, but it packs such an enormous meaning. Does everyone feel this way at some point before marriage?
And then I think about myself pre-Sean; floundering in a sea of singles, hoping to find “the one” around every corner when what I really needed to do is find myself. I always say that God gave me Sean to love only after I was able to love myself wholly and completely. Without loving ourselves, perhaps it isn’t possible to love another completely? That’s how it was for me.
So as I stand in front of the mirror these last few weeks, wishing that my arms were more toned; my hair, a little longer; or feeling guilty for not working out, I try to remember this principle of loving one’s self first. When Sean met me, he loved me for who I am, and that’s who I intend to be for him on our wedding day. I’m pretty confident he didn’t think, “Wow, she’s so perfect for me… I wish she had toned arms, but I can probably look past that…” Sean’s 100 percent more classy than that.
And so, as I ponder the enormity of what we’re about to do next month, I leave you with my intent: I intend to continue to love myself wholly and completely, to believe in my beauty and my potential, so much so that when I take Sean to be my “lawful-wedded husband,” I am prepared to do the same for him, making no sacrifices because of my own selfish desires. I will keep myself happy and healthy, and will not dwell on my insecurities but instead build myself up and believe in who I am right now. We will be equals in marriage and will go on to accomplish incredible things, changing as a couple as time requires, together in marriage, forever.
Make it a great week!